7 Ways to Evaluate if You’re in a Toxic Relationship
I’ve been in practice for over 10 years and I hear from individuals who struggle with a particular person in their life. The conversation goes something like this: “Why does so and so try to control everything? I have to give an account of my every move. Even then he/she says terrible things, what do they get out of this?” Or the conversation may sound like this “I’ve done everything I know to do and still I can’t seem to please this person. I try to do what my loved one (or boss or friend) says to do and nothing I do is right. They are never happy. They always complain about something, what am I missing?” Often it isn’t the person who is sitting across from me that’s the issue, it’s the person they’re talking about, the one that isn’t in the room.
People whose behaviors are “toxic” have an uncanny ability to make their spouse, partner, child, friend or co-worker feel like they are crazy. As reasonable people we look at our own behaviors and attitudes to see if what we’ve been accused of is true because if it is, we want to make it right and become better people. As Christians, we see it as our calling to love others and to grow in Christ, so it makes sense to be loving and caring, right? We’re asked to be sacrificial in our caring for others, so what do we do?
It is tough to sort out if someone’s behavior is merely difficult or downright toxic. We don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but we do need to be wise. Here are some things to consider:
1. There’s drama around them all the time, often of their own creation.
2. Apologies are non-existent.
3. You spend too much time reviewing in your head what you could have done to make them happy.
4. They constantly criticize or belittle you and your efforts.
5. You realize that you’re emotionally drained, angry, or feeling bad about yourself more often than not when you’re with them.
6. Maybe your stomach is tied up in knots or you’re tense after spending time with that person.
7. They don’t take responsibility for their own mistakes or emotions.
Ultimately the change has to come from you because the relationship is working for that person. Understanding that your own behavior has in some way contributed to this, gives you the authority to change interactions.
The first thing you need to do is determine what boundaries you have to set up to be in relationship with that person. Boundaries are healthy guidelines that happen in all good relationships, and while I’m not guaranteeing you’ll create a healthy relationship with that person, you will be creating a healthy relationship with yourself and with God. Sometimes the best boundary is eliminating them from your life, but when that’s not possible, establish as much distance between you and the other person as possible.
The second thing is to take time to heal. Forgive yourself for being taken in by a master manipulator or liar. Spend time with people who are supportive.
And, the third thing is to get back in touch with your main focus as a Christian which is seeking God’s kingdom first. I recently read Gary Thomas’ new book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People. Its message is distinctly Christian in its focus. Gary uses Jesus’ words and interactions to direct the reader to looking at relationships from a kingdom point of view. If you’re interested in checking it out go to: Whentowalkawaybook.com.