Christians it’s usually not about whether or not we should forgive, there are verses in the Bible that talk about what we are to do. In Ephesians 4:32 believers are told to “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” English Standard Version (ESV)
In teaching his disciples how to pray Jesus included forgiveness. Matthew 6:12 records it as “and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” ESV. And in Colossians 3:13 it is a command that we must forgive each other “as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive”. That part of the prayer can be intimidating because many have been taught that we are forgiven only as we forgive.
So believers understand that forgiving is important and we’re going to do it, we just aren’t sure HOW it’s done, and what it looks like when we have done it. I first started reading about forgiveness when going through school to get my Master’s in Counseling Psychology. It was the first book I read on forgiveness. It was impactful.
In Forgive and Forget, Healing the Wounds We Don’t Deserve by Lewes Smedes, he starts out with: “The act of forgiving, by itself, is a wonderfully simple act; but it always happens inside a storm of complex emotions.” He points out 4 stages of grief that if we can make it through them, we can “achieve the climax of reconciliation”. That’s really what we’re hoping for; the ability to restore the relationship. The 4 stages of grief are: hurt, hate, healing and coming together.
Hurt
This brings us to the crisis of having to forgive. We have small indignities we have to endure with patience and grace, but the things that require forgiveness are personal, deep and unfair, which means they hurt. And we have to acknowledge our pain, not deny it.
Pain is unfair when we don’t deserve it or when it isn’t necessary.
There are wounds we receive when someone has treated us unfairly or we’re hurt by their mistakes, yet they didn’t mean to hurt us. Intent is not the criteria for whether or not we need to forgive. The fact that we were wounded is the criteria. We need to forgive for our own sake which frees us from hate and bitterness.
I agree with Smedes when he says It is wise to not turn all hurts into the crisis of forgiving. Some things simply need to be excused.
What Hate Is
You cannot shake the memory of what happened and cannot wish your enemy or “frenemy” well.
It is a natural response after experiencing deep and unfair pain.
There is passive hate which keeps us from wishing a person well; active hate is when we hope they don’t do well in life.
Interestingly we can both love and hate the same person.
Hate and anger are not the same, anger lets us know that we are still able to care, it drives us to work for changes; hate lets us know we are in need of healing because we do not want things to get better, we often want them to get worse
Healing
Requires that we divorce the wrong from the wrong doer. We begin to see that the wrong they did, is not the thing that defines who they are. We see them in the whole context of how they were weak and needy before they wronged us, and they are still weak and needy.
The first stage of healing is release. We know that our healing has begun when we can wish that person well. This is only the start, it is not the pinnacle of forgiveness
Coming together
Coming together requires both people to do something. The person who was hurt has to extend a desire for relationship. The person who did the hurting has to be sincere and honest in their intentions for relationship. They must also in their heart and mind truly understand the hurt they caused was deep and that you did not deserve it.
Some Nice Things Forgiveness is NOT
In order to forgive and be healthy, we have to recognize what forgiveness is NOT per Smedes.
You do not have to forget after you forgive, you may, but still your forgiving can be sincere even if you remember.
You do not excuse people by forgiving them; you forgive them at all only because you hold them to account and refuse to excuse them.
You do not forgive people by smothering conflict; if you forever smother people’s differences, you rob them of a chance to forgive.
You do not forgive people merely by accepting them; you forgive the person who has done something to you that is unacceptable.
You do not have to tolerate what people do when you forgive them for doing it; you may forgive people, but still refuse to tolerate what they have done.
There is much more in the book, but if you’d like help getting started on your forgiving please contact me. To read more about how therapy for Christians can help you please click on the link.