When a romantic relationship ends, we usually expect to feel down, a little depressed, angry and rejected but not anxious. After all, a break up is unpleasant and sad even if you’re the person who initiated the break up. Yet, many people are anxious after a break-up. Ending a relationship may make you question if there is something wrong with you, because we get our sense of identity through the relationship: “Was I a good enough partner? Will anyone ever love me again? How will I do life without someone?”
Being by yourself can make you anxious, it’s a new and unwanted situation in your life (usually). We are made to be in community with other people and there’s just something about being intimately connected with a loving partner that can calm our doubts and fears about life in general, and specifically the need to know that we’re worthy of love.
Some symptoms of anxiety after a break–up:
· Trouble going to sleep or staying asleep
· Irritability
· Ruminating – obsessively reviewing the relationship looking for what went wrong or wondering should I have really broken up with him/her?
· Lack of concentration
These feelings won’t last forever even if it feels like they will.
Take time for you; do some reflection/introspection
Oddly, the end of a relationship brings the opportunity to reflect on who you are, who you want to be and what changes you want to make. If you’re the one who broke it off, what was it that attracted you to him/her in the first place and what went sour? Are you attracted to the same kind of person over and over again? Maybe you need to change how you evaluate a love interest.
If you’re the one that was broken up with, now is the time to look at what you brought to the relationship or didn’t bring to the relationship. Nothing is ever one-sided, how did you contribute to the unhealthiness of the relationship? Did you miss signals along the way? How can you be a better partner the next time? Like your former partner, maybe you need to change how you evaluate a love interest.
Now is the time to take on some mindfulness practices
I tell people over and over that they need to slow down, to be in the moment. Our society is running at a fast pace and even with the quarantines in the COVID-19 pandemic people still are trying to distract themselves from what is going on inside and around them. Many people don’t like to experience anger, frustration or disappointment, but the sooner you find your courage to acknowledge your emotions the sooner you’ll heal. Many people try to “move on” but what they’re really doing is stuffing their emotions or rather storing them up for the future.
Being mindful is about being present in the moment, non-judgmentally noticing thoughts but not giving them attention through actively engaging in the five senses: hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting and touching. For example if you have a warm beverage feel the warmth of the cup, inhale the scent, listen as you stir something into it, look at the color of the beverage, and take a slow sip allowing it to fill your mouth before you swallow. This practice helps with the racing thoughts and brings your focus back into what you are doing right now.
Being grateful is also a part of being mindful. Rather than discounting all the good things in your life, take stock of what you do have: friends, family, pets, a roof over your head, music you enjoy. The sun still shines and the rain still falls, you can count on that.
Engage in enjoyable activities
I know of people who work out their grief and anxiety through exercise. That is an wonderful way to not only focus on what you’re doing in the moment but it offers a way for the body to work out the physical symptoms of your distress. Your body holds emotions, we all experience where we hold stress: in your back, in shoulders and neck (the reason we say something has been a pain in the neck), we hold stress in our digestive areas. Exercise helps alleviate that and helps you sleep better.
Sometimes during a relationship we had the opportunity to do new things, to expand our experiences. What did you and your partner do that you liked? Despite it bringing back some sad feelings, by doing those things you claim them for your own and can enjoy them. Engaging in them with the sadness helps you acknowledge how important the relationship was to you so you grieve well. You can also claim the activity as a kind of gift.
In addition, think about it, were there things that you gave up for the relationship that you’d like to do again? Find a friend to do those things with you. Anxiety can make it feel overwhelming to do things with other people so maybe read a good book you’ve been wanting to read, watch a funny movie. It’s good to learn to appreciate time by yourself.
Talk with someone
Family and friends are often good to rely on if you need to express your thoughts and emotions. They’ve probably witnessed the relationship and can listen to you as you process the break-up. Often this is when they’ll express not only their support, but also give you their perspective on the relationship. If you need more than a sympathetic ear, perhaps a therapist can help.
I’m experienced in walking people through the difficulties of life and would be honored to help you figure things out.