Every child has essential needs. What happens in childhood plays a huge in shaping us as adults. Childhood events — especially those related to our caregivers — help form our attachment style as adults.
There are four general attachment styles: secure, avoidant, disorganized, and anxious. As we will explain, these categories can sometimes criss-cross. Any type of insecure attachment creates a strong likelihood of anxiety being present in your life. Then, we will explore this connection and discuss ways it can be addressed and changed.
Different Types of Insecure Attachment
Anxious: Also known as “anxious-ambivalent,” people with this style are often called “clingy.”
Avoidant: If you’re of the avoidant style (a.k.a. anxious-avoidant), you avoid intimacy. You also have trouble getting close and asking for help.
Fearful-Avoidant: Lacking healthy coping skills, the fearful-avoidant person can be volatile and appear disorganized.
Any of the above attachment styles can develop in your early years. In terms of your future relationships, it will influence:
How you communicate
The way you set up expectations
Your response to conflict
The amount of anxiety in your life
What Causes Insecure Attachment?
Some genetic factors may play a role. But, generally speaking, your childhood caregivers are the most influential in life. That includes parents who are inconsistent — running hot and cold in terms of attention and nurturing. Another factor is how quickly or slowly a parent responds to signs of distress from their child.
If a baby doesn’t know what to expect, the most common result is chronic anxiety. According to a recent study, emotional neglect during childhood is associated with these disorders later in life:
Generalized anxiety disorder
Social phobia
Panic attacks
Signs of an Insecure Attachment
In children:
Disproportionate reaction whenever a caregiver is out of their sight
Not easily consoled once they start crying
“Clingy”
Hesitant to explore at an age-appropriate level
Fear of strangers
Can act out with aggression and negative emotions
Anxiety disorders
In adults:
A craving for constant reassurance, affection, closeness, and intimacy
Inability to trust others
Chronic worries about abandonment
Trouble being single or alone
Codependency
Low self-esteem, manifesting in hyper-sensitivity to your partner’s moods and behaviors
A tendency toward impulsive moods and emotions
Anxiety disorders
You CAN Change Your Attachment Style!
Yes, there is good news. In fact, in some cases, there might even be great news! Adults can shift their attachment style through experience. By interacting with secure friends, you learn how to connect more healthily. Even better, bonding with a partner who has a secure attachment history can rewire how you see relationships.
In most instances, however, insecure and anxious individuals require some diligent self-exploration. It’s essential to identify how your childhood contributed to your current state of anxiety. A widely suggested method is to write your story down. Get out a pen and some paper. Trace a direct line from how you were raised to what you’re feeling now. A coherent narrative can very much help you release past influences and move on.
Ask for Help
Perhaps the best way to do this work is with the help of a seasoned therapist. Think about the factors that an anxious childhood can hamper later in life. Counseling positively addresses this:
How you communicate
The way you set up expectations
Your response to conflict
The amount of anxiety in your life
You can reverse the damage done and connect more deeply with others. If you’re struggling with anxiety and think it may have to do with your attachment style, let’s set up a free consultation.
To read more about anxiety treatment click here.