Author Joan Didion once remarked that “virtually everyone who has ever experienced grief mentions this phenomenon of waves.” Everyone must, of course, experience and process grief in their own way. There is no one “right” way. But no one fully avoids the sensation of waves. Sure, there are stages of grief but they are not linear.
Emotions, in the best of times, can get very messy. Grief is far from the best of times. Therefore, the unpredictability is in hyper-drive. Feelings come and go. They rise and fall. Just when you feel settled, an unexpected wave arrives and you won’t know what hit you. It can help to understand a little more about this phenomenon.
Why Does Grief Come in Waves?
Grief is Often Ignored
For something that everything endures, grief sure doesn’t get much air time. People often don’t feel free to discuss loss and mourning. When it does come up in conversation, others tend to try “fixing” the bereaved person. As a culture, we’re not comfortable with sitting in sorrow. This serves to extend the grief period because so much goes unsaid and unresolved.
Grief is a Major Life Event
Someone you love is no longer around. This changes you as a person. In the short term, you wonder if you’ll ever feel happy again. And then there are all those triggers. So much will remind you of the person who died. Just as feel some resolution, you may have an anniversary or birthday to deal with. It can be more subtle. Crossing paths with someone wearing the same cologne or perfume as your loved one can send you into a tailspin. You feel as if you are back to the starting point of grief.
Grief is Complex
You may blame yourself or wish you had said more before they died. If you lived with the person who passed, your home life can feel impossible to manage. Well-meaning people urge you to “move on” and “be strong” but that doesn’t help at all. Again, grief is messy and messiness can be overwhelming.
How to Manage the Waves the Best You Can
Feel What You Need to Feel: You don’t have to conform to the expectations of others. If they feel uneasy about your expressions of grief, it is their issue. You need to not suppress emotions. Feel what you need to feel in order to move yourself to a mindset of recovery.
Don’t Go It Alone: Find people who are willing to support you. They don’t need to have any “solutions.” But they will be called on to listen with compassion.
Self-Care is Not Selfish: There are basics, e.g. getting enough sleep, making healthy eating choices, and engaging in daily exercise. Also, give yourself permission to take space when you need it. Decline an invitation if you feel certain it will be draining. Prioritize yourself without guilt or shame.
Don’t Look for a Finish Line: Grief will stay with you in ways that you can’t yet see. Hence, it can be very helpful to be present with your emotions and not get caught up in a mythical time when this is all over.
Recognize Complicated Grief: Yes, grief is unpredictable and non-linear. It is different for was of us. However, there are times when you find you simply cannot function. You feel bitter and hopeless, and you may even wish you had died along with your loved one. This is called complicated grief and it’s a sign that you need to ask for professional help.
Asking for professional help is a good idea anywhere in this journey. Your therapy sessions can be the safe space you need to express feelings and develop new approaches. Reach out to me to learn more about grief counseling. Go to this page if you’re interested in reading more about Trauma Counseling.