From the outside, it can appear confusing to watch someone stay in an abusive situation. It could be their family, spouse, job, etc. Whatever the specifics, you may wonder “why they stay.” As you probably imagine, it’s a lot more complicated than that. A major component of this dynamic is trauma bonding.
An abused person can and sometimes does develop a bond with their abuser. How you wonder? Well, it usually has to do with the cycles of such a situation. The abuser alternates between negative and positive behaviors. This keeps the victim off-kilter and willing to do anything to inspire positive reinforcement. In other words, they become dependent.
What Are Trauma Bonds?
More than two decades ago, an addiction therapy specialist named Patrick Carnes coined the term “trauma bonding.” In part, he described it as “dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation.” Victims of trauma must find ways to survive and maintain some level of hope. Trauma bonds are dysfunctional coping mechanisms that try to achieve these important goals.
4 Things You Should Know About Trauma Bonds
1. What Are the Common Signs of Trauma Bonding?
Denying the abuse and actively covering up the abuser’s actions
Convincing oneself that you deserve to be abused
Responding with disproportionate gratitude if the abuser does anything nice
Fixated on appeasing the perpetrator by agreeing with them and squashing your own opinions
Being unable to leave
Cutting off anyone who urges you to leave
Showing signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
2. Why Do Trauma Bonds Happen?
Your body is designed to help you survive. This includes a stress reaction commonly called the fight or flight response. When this repose is triggered, your brain is temporarily locked into survival mode. Long-term, big picture planning is shut down. This capacity returns once the danger is over.
Trauma tricks your brain into seeing danger all the time. If you get stuck in flight or flight, you also get lost in your current reality. Escape is not an option so you find ways to make the abuse seem less threatening.
3. Are There Other Physical Components to Trauma Bonds?
Indeed there is. In particular, a hormone called dopamine can bond you to whomever or whatever makes your body produces more of it. What this means is that when the perpetrator does anything to cause pleasure, your system is flooded with dopamine. For a few minutes, all is good in your world. It all ends, of course. The abuser goes back to abusing the victim. The dopamine shuts off. You are left waiting for your next fix — hoping against hope that the perpetrator delivers.
4. How Does an Abuser Actively Try to Stay in Control?
With things happening at a chemical level, let’s be clear that trauma bonds happen due to active choices by the abuser, e.g.
Gaslighting
Manipulation
Isolating the victims from their support system
Humiliation
Making decisions for the victim (including financial control)
Intimidation, threats, and violence
All of the above (and more) and used unpredictably while being interspersed with positive reinforcement. This leaves the person targeted by the abuse off-balance, confused, and desperate. In a state like this, trauma bonding may appear to be the best possible choice to feel any sense of control.
Professional Help and Support Are Required
Trauma is serious business. It cannot be healed solely with good intentions and self-help suggestions. Any and all such steps are essential but the victim who is trapped in a trauma bond needs guidance from a seasoned pro. If you or someone you know is stuck in a situation like this, please contact me as soon as possible. If you want to read more about Trauma and PTSD Treatment, please click here.