From pop culture to social media and beyond, conversations about trauma are happening more than ever before. One aspect, however, needs more attention. You see, traumatic events can cause a survivor to cultivate coping mechanisms that end up being counterproductive. A particularly insidious example of this is trauma bonding.
All of us inherently want to feel safe with others. A trauma survivor may have to seek such security in unusual ways. As a result, they try to make sense of the suffering by re-imagining what has happened or is still happening. This can make them feel attached to the person or people responsible for all the pain.
What Causes A Trauma Bond?
Humans are created to be social and to make deep and meaningful connections. Trauma — especially at a young age — can short-circuit this beautiful design. Someone has betrayed you and made finding trust in your heart difficult. You long for closeness but justifiably feel scared.
To soothe the distress, your brain can guide you to see positive attributes in your abuser. You develop feelings of affection and sympathy for the person who is hurting you. At times, you can convince yourself you love them. Among other scenarios, this dynamic can take place between:
Children and parents or caregivers
Siblings and other family members
Co-workers
Romantic partners
Even situations like cults or kidnappings can provoke trauma bonds. On the surface, a trauma bond seems incomprehensible, but plenty is going on beneath the surface.
The Love Hormone
Each of us has experienced the positive energy caused by the release of a neurotransmitter called oxytocin. Nicknamed the “love hormone, oxytocin kicks in when we need to bond the most. For example, its presence is high during childbirth. Ironically, in a toxic situation, your brain may trigger an oxytocin release in the hope of manufacturing a climate of safety. Once that biological connection has been made, a trauma survivor can reframe danger as security.
How Do We Cope With And Heal From Trauma Bonds?
The first giant step is awareness. Trauma and trauma bonding can create beliefs that are difficult to question. To let go of the sympathy you’ve cultivated for an abuser can cause a reality collapse. Thus, self-education is often the most effective since it’s not an outsider warning you about something you don’t want to face. That said, a loved one or a mental health professional can serve as a guide toward the conclusions you need to reach (more about this below).
Other important steps to consider:
Acceptance
As terrible as it may sound, you are required to recognize and accept what is happening. No one wants to admit that someone close to you is abusive. You’d often rather blame yourself. However, once the patterns are identified, healing becomes possible.
Speaking Of Blame…
In cases of abuse and trauma, the survivor is not to blame. Your energy is far more useful if aimed at recovery rather than replaying what you see as “mistakes.”
Find Someone To Talk With
Someone being abused tends to avoid any discussion of their situation. In the extreme, this could result in a social withdrawal. If you feel safe enough to do this, what you really need is outside input — especially from a therapist.
You Can Recover From Trauma Bonds
If you’re still amid the abuse, you’ll need help to leave. As important as that is, it’s only the start. From there, the path toward releasing trauma bonds begins with addressing the trauma itself. Healing is real, and it’s available. If you or someone you know is in a situation like this, let’s connect and talk very soon. Click on Trauma and PTSD Treatment if you’d like to read more.