The concept of codependency was long associated with addiction but it covers a lot more ground than that. In fact, it is more often used today to explore the dynamics of dysfunctional, one-sided relationships. Such patterns usually involve boundary issues. A codependent couple is made up of two partners who seem to have lost track of the line that separates them.
At the same time, a major hallmark of codependency is unhealthy communication styles. Codependent people choose to be passive-aggressive instead of direct. They may even opt to stay silent rather than risk a confrontation. This is just the tip of the iceberg so let’s explore more of what codependency looks like.
Common Characteristics Of Codependency
A codependent couple could consist of one partner who feels fully responsible for the other’s happiness. Meanwhile, partner #2 begins to believe they need partner #1 to help them be happy. As you can see, they grow to believe they are dependent on each other in order to enjoy life.
This plays out in the people-pleasers going to extremes to fulfill their self-appointed role while their partner learns to rely on the attention being lavished on them. Partner #1 seems so happy doing tasks for them that partner #2 no longer thinks they can perform such basic functions. To the outsider, it can look like symbiosis. In reality, it’s a toxic brew of fear, resentment, and dysfunction.
How Do You Know If You Might Be Codependent?
Check out the list of behaviors below. If they match up with you or your partner, it could be a major red flag:
A tendency to belittle others (especially your partner)
Passively avoiding arguments
Value the opinion of others over your own
Wanting to control who your partner sees and what they do
Difficulty expressing your deepest feelings
Ashamed to ever make a mistake
Unwillingness to change routines
Downplay your own accomplishments
Having difficulty saying no when asked to do something
You never ask for help
Believing that everything will collapse if you’re not around to keep things going
Who Does Codependency Impact?
The term was first designed to describe family members, friends, and co-workers of anyone struggling with an alcohol or drug addiction. Another risk factor is having experienced trauma — especially during childhood. Here are some other trends to consider:
While women have more commonly been associated with codependency, it does not seem to be a biological correlation. Women have more traditionally been caretakers and men are more likely to be substance abusers.
Children tend to learn behaviors from their parents (or a parent).
Codependency frequently shows up in adults in the form of emotional issues like obsessive thinking and people-pleasing.
Although codependency is not a disorder, it can co-exist with mental health conditions — often sharing signs and symptoms. Such conditions include depression and borderline personality disorder
That said, under the “right” circumstances, anyone can be vulnerable to codependent behaviors. It feels like intense compatibility at first and people around may initially comment positively on your relationship. As stated above, codependency can sneak up on you.
Repairing Codependent Relationships
After reading this post, you might be vacillating between concern and comfort. To repeat, it can be tricky to accurately identify codependency. This makes it crucial to get a qualified outside perspective. A therapist is uniquely positioned to observe and advise. Your sessions are where you can discuss patterns and tendencies that cause concern for you as you work through your unhappiness with your relationship. This unhappiness often makes people anxious. What can I do? Can anyone help me?
Left unchecked, codependency will not resolve itself. It is a relationship issue that tends to more deeply embed itself as “normal.” So, if you feel you need a skilled set of eyes to help you move forward, I invite you to reach out. Learn how changing yourself and your own internal conflict can make changes in your relationship. Read more about treating anxiety.