Let’s say you have a new co-worker you like. There might be chemistry that feels like attraction, or you might sense a friendship brewing. What factors will help determine how and if you connect with them? How would you feel if you were told that the quality of your attachment to this new person could be based on how you were treated as a baby?
Initially, some folks might dismiss this as psycho-babble, but with some investigation, it’s not difficult to back up such a thesis. In our childhood, we could not survive without help from our parents or caregivers. If they neglect this responsibility, it can cause attachment trauma in us as we reach adulthood.
What Causes Attachment Trauma?
A one-year-old child, for example, is not emotionally equipped to fully define their needs. In addition, they don’t have the words to explain when they feel neglected. Meanwhile, that child is downloading positive or negative lessons about attachment. If their parents are reliable and nurturing, the child feels secure and can carry over that feeling as they become adults.
However, far too often, parents and caregivers are unpredictable or even abusive. Their choices can result in attachment trauma if they set up scenarios like this:
The child’s basic needs are not met.
The child’s basic needs are not even acknowledged.
Parents do not respect (or perhaps even set) boundaries.
Abuse is present in any of its forms, e.g., physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal.
Parents engage in controlling behaviors.
The child is raised in an environment that includes domestic violence, incarceration, loss of a loved one (death, divorce, separation, etc.), chronic illness or disability, or substance abuse.
Once again, young children rely on caregivers. Therefore, if factors like those listed above are normalized, children develop very dysfunctional perceptions and patterns regarding any kind of relationship. Children raised in unhealthy homes are slow to develop positive social skills, too. Then, as they move closer to adulthood, they find themselves overmatched when attempting to connect with family members, friends, classmates, and potential partners.
How Attachment Trauma Can Impact Us as Adults
To understand how attachment trauma affects people, it’s important to know the red flags to look for. For starters, here are a few basic signs:
You Avoid Making Connections
Attachment trauma can leave a trail of break-ups and broken friendships in its trail. Simply put, what you learned as a kid was not conducive to building healthy, sustainable connections. After having so many relationships end in conflict and confusion, you may opt to stop. This might even include making self-sabotaging choices. It doesn’t have to be a conscious decision, but a pattern may emerge if you examine your past.
Random Physical Symptoms
People with attachment trauma get headaches for no apparent reason. They experience sleep problems and digestive disturbances. Then, there are the unexplained bodily aches and tension. If your medical doctor cannot find a source for any of these, the cause could be emotional.
Self-Medication
Even if you haven’t been diagnosed with trauma, your gut tells you that something negative is happening. You may lean on distractions and self-numbing like a child without the skills to navigate a setback. From substance abuse to distractions like video games or internet porn, your unspoken goal is to dissociate from the confusion and loneliness.
You Can Recover From Attachment Trauma
That wounded inner child can heal and thrive again. A giant first step is to connect with a trauma-informed therapist to begin unraveling what brought you to this point. I’d love to help you on this road to recovery. Let’s talk soon about trauma therapy and how I can support you.